Uber Tales (21)

Uber Principles

They shuffle, sweat and bulge by, they call it jogging, the New Year’s Resolutions. I sit under my tree and stare at them or nothing. My New Year’s resolution is to sit and stare less and write more. The universe applauds action, not thoughts I was once told in one of those self-improvement courses that H sent me on. Is writing action? Is the universe a sentient being with a zillion little hands it can clap every time I open my laptop and start writing a sentence?

The problem with writing in the car, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, is that it’s difficult to maintain a train of thought when the universe applauds by giving you a call just as soon as you begin the action of writing. It is downright dangerous to write in the sense that I tend to continue writing in my head while driving instead of focusing all my faculties on the road.

Safety is, as it should be, my primary priority and thus I have developed certain principles according to which I don’t drive. The obvious one is DDD (Don’t Drive Drunk). Nobody argues with that. DDT (Don’t Drive Tired) also almost goes without saying, yet there are times when I have to argue with Chuck about quitting the day R250 short of target. What constitutes ‘legitimate tiredness’ and what is simple laziness? I consider switching the wipers on instead of the indicator as a sign of legitimate tiredness. Turning left when Jessica says ‘turn right’ towards the end of the day is another. Legitimate tiredness normally sets in as soon as I’ve reached my daily target or when I’ve covered 250km or so.

After my break, I discovered a different kind of tiredness of which I’m not convinced of the legitimacy. It consists of Chuck and I telling each other repeatedly: “We can’t afford another setback now. We simply can’t.” My alternator is in the process of packing up. I sigh and Stop on Slopes (the SOS principle?!).

Just keep going…

When I do the wiper thing or the left-right confusion early in the day, it may be a sign of my general directionally challenged being, or a sign of DDH (Don’t Drive Hungry). When I’m hungry I don’t play serendipity dice. I go offline to eat a garage sandwich. Gone are the halcyon days of sit-down lunches in fancy restaurants. My cash flow is as tight as the clothes of the New Year’s Resolutions jogging by. I sigh. I’m trying to gain weight and eat chocolates while I wait on my shady slopes. I sigh again.

There are other principles too, but since they do not directly affect your safety, I’ll just mention them in passing. There is the KIP principle (Keys in Pocket) and the PIP principle (Phone in Pocket). These do affect you indirectly because without them it would be impossible to drive at all and thus have the pleasure of picking you up. There is also the NEOR principle (No Electronics on Roof). The dent on the corner of my computer tells that story eloquently enough.

But back to the writing bit. I have to bite the bullet and write despite it being in contravention of the DDW principle (Don’t Drive Writing) of not driving. The writing in my head mostly jus make me miss a turn-off or two, so forgive me. It could also have been Don’t Drive Worried and there’s nothing I can do about that either.

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Chuckv

January 21st


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