Uber Tales (13)

That Uber Sensation

It’s a river, you’ll see. With 250m to go I’d much rather have a red robot than a green one ahead of me. The red one puts me in control. The green controls me. With the red, I can slow down to a crawl and eventually catch it green. The green puts its attendant beggar in charge by turning orange at 50m. The Beggar and me. I keep my eyes away.

To maintain a pleasant temperature in my car and keep the general aroma fresh and not overpowering ‘car freshener’, I drive with my windows open. The beggar sees this as an invitation to an audience with me about two bucks and bread. No amount of staring in the middle distance slightly to the left will deter him. He goes on about the bucks and the bread until I roll up the window and feel bad about it. It’s like slamming a door in somebody’s face. It’s not nice and I try, mostly, to be nice. The world is a much better place when people are nice, but I digress.

The beggars at every traffic light bug me and as with most other things that bug me, I develop a strategy to avoid them. This proves to be quite easy to put into practice. Simply never stop at a red light. I clearly don’t mean that one should jump them, I mean try and avoid coming to a complete standstill. Do not rush a red robot. It is a silly strategy. What do you want to achieve? Spending quality time with a beggar talking about two bucks and bread?

I explain my strategy, which also involves stopping two car-lengths behind the car in front of me wherever possible, to two businessmen who query me about the matter. For good measure I point out that in our smash-‘n-grab society it’s best to leave yourself some room for maneuver. The two car-lengths are really part of the beggar avoidance strategy. The beggar knows I’ll roll forward as soon as he reaches my window. This makes him hesitate just long enough for the light to turn green. I briefly feel bad about impeding his possible revenue stream from the cars behind me, but only briefly.

The businessmen are excited about my strategy. They say they’ve just discussed something similar that very morning. It is apparently a traffic technique developed in Mumbai by someone called Funck and it has applications in business. I just have time to point out that great minds Funck alike when the one businessman takes a serious business call. I switch off the radio and listen to the usual talk about strategies and buy-ins and revenue streams and such. I want to learn more about Funck or Foenck or Fuckit, no amount of Googling will reveal anything about that technique and the businessman left my car while still on the phone before I could even ask him to like my Facebook page ‘Uber ChuckV’.

While I’m on that subject, please like Uber ChuckV. I have a plan with that too. As you know by now, I really love what I’m doing, except for one aspect. My feet are killing me from braking and clutching and maybe I’m clutching at straws, but if I get enough ‘likes’ on Uber ChuckV I may just get some form of sponsorship for an automatic car. It’s a long shot, but I’m good at long shots. So please get your friends and their friends to also like Uber ChuckV … pretty please. Okay fuckit! Just do it.

Now, I often think of Mark Twain while driving. I especially think of his descriptions of his time as trainee steamboat captain on the Mississippi. One of the veteran captains told him he must ‘know’ the river as one ‘knows’ where the furniture in one’s house is in the dark, even if the river often changes course. The more I drive, the more I ‘know’ the river of traffic. I can almost foretell that the guy on the delivery bike is going to swerve in front of me, or that a specific truck is going to break down in the middle lane of a busy road just after I’ve passed it. It’s a skill.

With Jessica, my trusty GPS and wife (she gives me direction in life), I mostly successfully avoid heavy traffic and flow freely over hills and through vales and that’s when I get that Uber sensation: The singularly sweet, semi-orgasmic, sensation of soaring when coming over a rise.



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